How to Cultivate Rhythms of Connection to Strengthen Your Bond
Remember when you first started dating your significant other? Remember the butterflies in your stomach when you thought about them and how much you looked forward to the time you got to spend with them? Maybe you are still in this stage of your relationship. Or, maybe you’ve been with your significant other for years, and the relationship is starting to feel a little more mundane. Well, relationship check-ins are for both of you!
Don’t worry, single people, I’m not leaving you out either. This short and sweet blog post is great to keep in mind for romantic relationships you’d like to build in the future. You could also try these quick tips with your friends; it’s good advice for any relationship! After all, relationships are so much fun and they take work.
With that in mind, I will provide some suggestions for connecting every day with quick check-ins and every week through “working dates” and “fun dates.” The hope is that these simple additions to your routine can give life to your relationship, allowing it to grow and thrive for a very long time.
Add to Your Relationship Bank Account with Regular Check-Ins
Connecting Daily
The day-to-day is where relationships can often begin to feel neglected. Life can be busy, especially if you both work, have children, and/or participate in other commitments throughout the week. Sometimes, your relationship is the last thing you attend to, and you can feel like you don’t have any more energy to give to it. That’s why, for the concept of a daily check-in, I suggest keeping it simple by sharing a “high” and a “low” from the day.
A “high” can be something you enjoyed during the day, something you appreciated about your partner, or even the fact that you had time to stop for coffee on your way to work. As for a “low,” it can be a moment of frustration at work or with the kids, or just the fact that you were feeling “off” that day.
I would encourage you to not make the “low” about your partner. The purpose of this check-in is to make intentional, “positive deposits” in the relationship bank. What’s a relationship bank account? I’m so glad you asked. This cute video does a great job of explaining this concept from The Gottman Institute:
Later in the blog, I will tell you about the time when you can bring relationship “work” to the table. For the daily check-ins, focus on connection and intentionality by actively listening to your partner’s high and low, then authentically sharing yours. This will create a constant influx of positive deposits in your relationship bank account!
Connecting Weekly
If you’ve already been consistent in something like the daily check-ins, you may want to take it to the next level by asking deeper questions on a weekly basis. Examples of these questions are as follows:
- How is your heart? (in general, with the relationship)
- Have there been any misses (where you haven’t felt heard or understood) or ouches (where there was a painful impact from something I said or did) this week?
- When have you felt loved by me this week?
I encourage you to seek to be open, compassionate, and not defensive about anything your partner shares. The goal of asking these questions is not to tear them down, but to repair ruptures and rebuild stronger.
Working Dates: Relationship Staff Meetings
I learned the idea of a “working date” from Dr. Michael Sytsma at Building Intimate Marriages. He likened a “working date” to the regular staff meetings that any successful business has. These meetings, both in business and in relationships, help head off potential problems before they begin to cause damage. Both also keep everyone up to date on things happening that week and plans for the future.
A working date is a regular space for you and your partner to come together to work on the relationship. Here are the “rules” for this kind of date:
- Set aside a consistent hour in the week for a working date. Set a boundary around the time and don’t allow other opportunities or commitments to crowd it out.
- Each partner is responsible for getting themselves to the meeting. Pick a time and place that works for both of you.
- Begin the meeting with an affirmation of each other. State something specific that you’ve noticed in the last week that you appreciate about your spouse.
- If faith is important to you and your partner, maybe say a quick prayer that God would guide you in your time together.
- Agree on the agenda. It might be from a list of ongoing topics or a “hot topic” from the week. The agenda can also include reviewing the calendar for the week or going over the budget for the month.
- Set a timer for 30 minutes so that you can both be freed up to focus on the task at hand.
- Begin the discussion. Take turns speaking and use good communication skills (See my blog post on healthy communication skills, Communication is Key).
- Call a “Pause” if the conversation gets too heated.
- When the timer goes off, take a couple of minutes to be silent and reflect on what was just discussed. Ask yourself: Is the meeting going well? Are you actively listening to your spouse? Do you feel you are being heard? Are you both calm enough to move forward?
- If either of you does not want to move forward, the meeting is over.
- If both of you feel progress is being made and agree to continue, set the timer for another 30 minutes and keep going.
- You CANNOT go past the second timer for ANY reason. This is a critical rule in the process and cannot be broken.
- If there is still unfinished business at the end of the second 30 minutes, it can either wait until next week’s meeting, or you can schedule another working date for another day.
- End the working date with another affirmation that focuses on what each other did well in the working date. You can also end with a prayer if you wish.
Fun Dates: Make Time for Playfulness
Like I said before, the early part of dating your significant other was likely so much fun. You spent time making sure that your hair and outfit were on point and that the date was planned and intentional. With the busyness and stress of life, it can be difficult to prioritize fun time together.
However, it’s important to keep making these positive deposits into the relationship bank account. Here are some ideas for “fun dates” along with some guidelines to protect the positive time together.
- Take the initiative. Don’t wait for your partner to initiate the activity. Plan ahead and make things happen.
- Plan for the date in advance so you already know what you are doing and have the resources you need to pull off the date. Make the reservation. Budget for a nice date. Block off time.
- Make it fun. Find inspiration in what you enjoyed doing together early on in your dating relationship. Exploring something new. Choose an activity that your partner enjoys and soak in their excitement.
- Ask your partner out. Make sure to intentionally invite them on the date. It can be a simple, “Will you go out with me on Friday?” or as extravagant as getting a mariachi to play outside their window while you hold up signs asking them to dinner. Have fun with it! The main point is to mark the “fun date” as special and out of the ordinary.
- Table problem areas for “working dates.” Keep the time you spend together on a “fun date” about just that, having fun. This isn’t to deny the issues or ignore them. It’s simply to protect this positive time together.
- Schedule “fun dates” on a biweekly basis. The more consistently and regularly you spend this enjoyable time together, the more positive impact you will see in your relationship overall.
Relationships are an investment, and you do need to work hard to keep them healthy. However, it’s not only about hard work; it’s also about fun! Remember what first attracted you to your partner, what you enjoyed doing together early in the relationship, and take in the joy of your growing relationship now.
Next Steps
For some of you, simply reading and applying this is enough to start making changes in how to relate to loved ones. However, many of us could benefit from the support and counsel of a kind, gentle, well-trained professional to help navigate the often difficult and painful path toward growth and healing. The therapists at Waystone Therapy Center are ready and waiting to support your healing journey.
