Grieving the End of a Journey

A Therapist Retires

Last October, our team gathered for our annual retreat. We were grieving some changes in our practice; we had some decisions to make regarding our direction and priorities. To help with this, we spent time revisiting our vision and values and seeking God. During that time of prayer and soul searching, I began to sense that perhaps it was time for me to consider retiring.

We all talked it through and invited Radu (Karis’s husband and our bookkeeper) and Don (my husband and our accountant – we like keeping it in the family!) to share their thoughts as well. I assured Kiki and Karis that I would remain connected to the practice. As such, I’ll continue to provide oversight and leadership as they grow until they are comfortable taking everything over in a few years.

As I look toward retirement, I have thought a lot about the work I’ve done. I’ve seen marriages strengthened and clients who have “graduated therapy” after growing and healing tremendously. Some clients weren’t ready to do the work and ended therapy prematurely. Many others have grown SO much, yet who will need therapeutic support beyond my time.

As I reflect, it brings to mind the thoughts I had when my oldest daughter, Hannah, entered high school. I remember thinking, “I have four short years to get her ready to live independently!” Somewhere between her sophomore and junior years, it began to occur to me that I would be sending her off not fully ready to “adult”. As I wrestled with that, I felt God tell me I had to let go and to trust she would find her way on her journey.

And now, as I prepare to retire in September, I have so much more confidence in letting go. I know that the work isn’t complete for many of my clients, and I trust they will continue their journeys and find their way.

My long-term clients, my team, and I have an important task before us. We have to say goodbye to the relationships we’ve known, grieve, and keep moving on our separate journeys. Many of my clients have asked me how to grieve this loss. That is an essential question for all of us! Grief is not popular in our culture, and the majority of us don’t know how to do it well, so it is worth the time to consider.

Giving New Meaning to Grief

When clients ask how to grieve, I’ve come to recognize the unspoken issues that lie beneath the question. They often assign negative meaning to their grieving. Here are just a few examples:

• I shouldn’t grieve, or I should be over it quickly.
• Grieving means I’m not strong.
• I have to cope alone – no one wants to hear about my struggles.
• If I let myself feel this grief, it will overwhelm me, and I won’t be able to stop the avalanche it brings.
• Grieving isn’t normal, and I need to stop it.
• If I grieve, I don’t have enough faith and don’t trust God.
• I’m not strong enough to face this.

In these cases, the grief isn’t the problem. The judgment we place on our grief or internalize from others increases our pain and stops our processing. But what would happen if grief were welcomed as a friend instead of treated like an intruder? What if, instead of resisting, we honor what we feel without judgment?

Choosing Pain as well as Joy

A common refrain as I work with clients is this: we can’t selectively numb. We can’t shut down painful emotions without shutting down joy and happiness, too. I do not want to stumble through this life, numbly disconnected from my heart as so many of us can do. I choose the pain because I choose the joy, too. I choose to actually be present in my life.

The movie Shadowlands tells the story of a man who faced this very issue. It shows the relationship between Joy Gresham and C.S. Lewis, detailing their meeting, falling in love, and Joy’s subsequent death from cancer. In Lewis’s childhood, he lost his mom and shut down emotionally. Reluctantly, he falls in love with Joy and marries her. Towards the end of her life, Joy tells him, “The pain then (of losing her) is part of the happiness now. That’s the deal.” At the end of the movie, C.S. Lewis’s character says:

“Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore, only the life I have lived. Twice in that life, I’ve been given the choice. As a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety; the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”

One of my other favorite CS Lewis quotes is from The Four Loves:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

A Personal Example of Honoring Grief

I spent most of my birthday in 2014 in my mom’s hospital room. She was dying, suffering from sepsis and experiencing a great deal of pain and confusion. It was so hard to watch her suffer, but I made a decision that day. I knew I could check out and “protect myself” from her suffering, but I also knew that would be my last birthday with her.

So, I intentionally chose to embrace it all. I chose to attune to her suffering and to my pain. To savor my time with her. To really take in the little joys, such as hearing her say she loved me and seeing her relax when I told her I was there and prayed for her. I chose grief as my friend that day.

She died ten days later. It was just five weeks after my daughter got married, and three weeks before I graduated from Richmont. I was in my last class and finishing my internship, requiring me to “soldier on”. I didn’t have the time or luxury to stop and grieve fully. Instead, I got through many days using my “doorknob prayer”, which I would say between tasks to honor my pain and ask for help:

“Lord, I have to take this test (see this client, go to this meeting, etc.), and I don’t know that I can do it. The pain is so great. I ask You for the strength to do what comes next. With my hand on this doorknob, I acknowledge my pain and my need for You to provide all my needs and to bring comfort.”

Here I am, 12 years later, still stopping when I feel the pain of her loss. In those moments, I still acknowledge it, name it, feel it, and invite God and others into it. And along with the pain is so much gratitude. I’m grateful I had her in my life and for the ways she formed me as a person and a therapist.

Recently, I completed a quilt in memory of my mom that I started several years ago. It features images of two swans from a photo she took years ago. She was so excited to capture their image. For me, it represents her joy and the pleasure she took in beauty and God’s creation. I knew I wanted to incorporate those swans into the quilt and designed it with them as the focal point.

Working on that quilt was a deeply meaningful way to connect to her memory and my grief. It is the most meaningful single piece of art I’ve ever created. Her love and joy are interlaced with my love and grief. “The pain now is part of the joy then; that’s the deal.”

Grief as Righteous Rebellion

Contrary to what our culture says, grief is sacred. Yet, especially in the Western world, grief is made out to be something shameful, weak, or deserving of judgment. Brian Stefan said:

“We live in a death-phobic culture that sanitizes dying and privatizes mourning, leaving us emotionally illiterate when we need these skills most. Other cultures treat grief as sacred work (emphasis mine) with communal rituals, extended mourning periods, and intergenerational wisdom. We get Hallmark cards and three days of bereavement leave.”

In other cultures and religions, he says death is communal, grief is expected, mourning has structure, and the community holds you. To embrace grief is countercultural and therefore is what I call “righteously rebellious”.

Here are some practical suggestions on embracing and honoring the sacredness of grief:

1. Learn healthy approaches to mourning
   • Choose one or more of the resources below to further your understanding and to support your grief processing.
   • Learn the difference between normal grief and complicated grief. Complicated grief usually occurs when there is unhealed grief and trauma. If you believe your grief is excessive, work with your therapist on what is connected to your grief that is presenting itself for healing.
   • Understand your family’s grief patterns and prohibitions so you can choose how to honor your grief well (more righteous rebellion!).
   • Identify any old losses that you may need to continue grieving. They commonly surface alongside a new loss.
   • It is important to note that each developmental stage of your life may bring up old griefs that you could have processed at a previous time, but need to honor in a new way as you enter a new phase of your life. That is normal and expected! It doesn’t mean you didn’t grieve well before, just that your grief may impact you anew. An example is grieving the loss of a parent when a child graduates or gets married, etc. That new experience can surface the pain of that loved one not being able to share it with you.
2. Practice Presence:
   • Sit with yourself or your hurting friend without trying to fix the pain and without judgment. Courageously allow the pain of grief in. Welcome it as a friend. Grief means you had something or someone that mattered to you, and that you are choosing connection rather than numbing.
   • Learn to say, “This is so hard” instead of “Everything happens for a reason” or other such platitudes. This is true with your grief and for others’. (See Behind the Funeral’s blog post: What to Say and Not Say to Someone Who is Grieving).
   • Practice tolerating sadness in yourself and others without rushing to fix or minimize. You ARE strong enough!
   • Identify the meaning you have made about grief involving judgment or shame so you can rewrite those false beliefs.
3. Create Rituals:
   • Commit to honor your own losses, big and small.
   • Mark anniversary dates with intention rather than avoidance.
   • Look for ways to honor the love of those you’ve lost and to remind yourself that their love is a part of you. Perhaps put a hand on your heart, or say a doorknob prayer.
   • Use art of any kind, whether it is creating something to keep or just getting your feelings out on paper.
   • Write a lament! A third of the 150 Psalms are prayers of lament – calling out to God in the midst of pain, struggle, fear, and loss. Next month, I will be sharing a resource on writing a lament; stay tuned.
4. Choose Connection:
   • Share your grief experiences with others who can hold space and honor your experiences. Consider a grief group or meeting with a friend who can hold space for you. Bring your grief into your work with your therapist!
   • Gently challenge grief-shaming language when you encounter it in yourself or others.
   • Let others in on your pain and struggle!! Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” The imagery in the Greek is to lift some weight off someone’s heavy backpack. But notice the second part – “in this way, you fulfill the law of Christ.” What does that mean? The law of Christ is love! Let others love you by letting them into your sorrow so they can lift some weight off. Of course, when letting others in, it is wise to choose safe enough people who have the emotional capacity to contain their own emotions and yours.
   • Talk honestly about loss with any children in your life in age-appropriate ways.

Growth Through Grief

You may view grief and changing therapists as an interruption to your therapeutic work. However, I challenge you to view it as a continuation of your work and growth. Grieving is integral to healing and growing. In fact, with my clients who do trauma work and finally are able to get out of fight or flight, the next thing they often experience is grief. When you feel in danger, grief isn’t accessible. I will reassure them that the grief they feel is a beautiful indication of healing. Here are some specific areas of growth you may want to explore as you grieve:

1. Attachment healing: Learn about your attachment patterns through how you handle the loss and work to heal them.
2. Independence Development: Develop greater independence and self-reliance.
3. Relationship Skills: Apply relationship insights to the process of letting go while also building relationships through inviting others into your pain.
4. Resilience Building: Build resilience through navigating a meaningful loss.

A Special Word for Those Grieving the Loss of a Therapist

For my clients, or for anyone else who is grieving the loss of a therapist, here is one more area of growth for you to explore: Internalize the Therapeutic Relationship. The goal is to carry the therapeutic relationship forward internally rather than externally. That can include things like:

• Developing a kind internal voice like your therapist’s that provides guidance and support.
• Maintaining the therapeutic perspective on problems and challenges.
• Treating yourself with the same compassion your therapist showed.
• Maintaining the growth-oriented mindset therapy fostered.

Quoting the article from Balanced Mind Psychotherapy,

“The grief you feel about therapy ending is often proportional to the healing that occurred. This grief represents not just loss, but love—love for someone who helped you grow, love for the safety you experienced, and love for the person you became through the therapeutic process. While the pain of ending is real and significant, it’s also evidence of your capacity for meaningful connection and growth. The therapeutic relationship may end, but the growth, insights, and internal changes remain with you forever.”

My time working as a therapist has been an ongoing sacred ground experience. It has forever changed my soul. I am so grateful to each of you who has entrusted me with your stories and allowed me to be a healing force in your life. Keep growing! Keep being courageous enough to choose connection to your pain and joy, and to others. Keep fighting for love and to live with purpose and vitality. I trust you to continue your journey and to find your way. You are strong enough, and the path ahead leads to healing and hope.

Resources:

1. Article from Balanced Mind of NY: Navigating the Grief of Losing Your Therapist
2. The Grief Wave newsletter and blogs by Brian Stefan
3. Broken Hallelujahs: Learning to Grieve the Big and Small Losses of Life by Beth Allen Slevcove. This lovely book is achingly authentic and full of practices to help you process all levels of losses.
4. The book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop
5. Blog post from Behind the Funeral: What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who is Grieving
6. The album The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North – and other songs of lament. Spotify also has a playlist called Songs Of Lament.
7. The book Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hernand. This allegory is a beautiful and powerful story about making friends with Sorrow and Suffering.